Halloween Special: Paranormalist stupidity

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Halloween Special: Paranormalist stupidity

Postby Elaura » Wed Oct 12, 2016 6:51 pm

Heya. It's harvest time again! Whether you observe All Hallow's Eve, the Fall Equinox, Fall Festival, or the various incarnations of Samhain, it's kinda hard to ignore the folks who must convince themselves (and us) that spirits can't get enough of messing with the living. For the purpose of this post, spirit, ghost, poltergeist, and other general terms will be used interchangeably.

I have a few observations and even if you aren't interested in the rest of this post, please see the Author's Note at the end.

  • Why do all spirits seem to hate glassware? If you look into the creepy tales of paranormal activities, if there is anything breakable in the room, i.e. the shot-glass being used on the Ouija board, it'll be the first thing the summoned will throw against the wall. For Heaven's sake, someone give these poor spirits a stress ball, or at least teach spiritualists to use plastic cups instead of glass.
  • Poltergeists hate cleanliness. Don't the spirits of compulsive clean freaks ever visit? Just once I'd like to hear of a haunted house that was mysteriously cleaned and dusted.
  • The devil has a vested interest in every person who has ever played with the paranormal. No matter how totally insignificant the summoner is, the spirit who shows up always claims to be Satan himself. Never a minor demon nobody has ever heard of, never just a dead guy waiting his turn at the inter-dimensional cellphone.
  • Lines never get crossed. The summoned is always of the same nationality as the summoner. Speaking the same language, using the same vernacular, and usually misspelling/misusing the same words.
  • Ghosts never had moms like mine. The one and only time I ever slammed a door, my mother came to my room and told me if I ever did it again, she'd rip the door off its hinges and beat me to death with it. Come on, just once I'd like to see a paranormalist record a ghost closing a door like a human being, not a pissed off teenager.
  • All spiritualists believe all spirits are Catholic or Anti-Catholic. Notice how paranormalists always seem to carry Crucifixes and Holy Water? People suffering from poltergeists and possessions always summon Priests? What happens if the summoned spirit was Protestant, or Taoist, or Buddhist, or Muslim, or Jewish any other religion? While I'm on the subject, does garlic work on Italian vampires?
  • No matter how long a spiritualist has been in the business, they always turn into Shaggy from Scooby Doo when anything spooky actually happens. They always seem to give the camera to the one guy who is afraid of his own shadow, too. He's so scared, he points the camera at everything except the supposed ghost.
  • Speaking of cameras, ever notice how, when everyone is going apeshit about whatever just happened, they make sure to do it in frame and in focus, while the spooky stuff is always out of frame and blurry as hell?

Feel free to post your own observations and or experiences with the "unknown". Everyone likes a good ghost story, after all.

Author's Note: Contrary to the vibe of this post, I do believe in spiritual energy. I believe objects can absorb and hold strong energy and as often as not this energy can be malevolent. I also believe any moron can open a door, but very few people have any idea of what can come through that door and nobody knows how to evict what does come through or how to close and lock the door after it's gone. Spirits don't carry photo IDs, either. Just because the summoned says it's Uncle John doesn't mean it is. Just because you invited a particular god or goddess, doesn't mean that's who came to the party. My advice? Don't open doors, don't send out invitations, and don't talk to strangers.
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Re: Halloween Special: Paranormalist stupidity

Postby neildarkstar » Fri Oct 14, 2016 2:04 am

Good advice! :)
"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." - Movie "Flypaper"
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Re: Halloween Special: Paranormalist stupidity

Postby Elaura » Sat Oct 15, 2016 2:04 pm

Thanks! There are two days of the year Jac and I refuse to go out: New Year's Eve and Halloween. On both nights, the average person loses all sense of self-preservation and does things they never would otherwise and it seems no one is satisfied unless they are involving everyone else.

"Let's have a seance!"
"Let's go to a cemetery!"
"Let's put bottle rockets in our assholes and grab our ankles!"

No, I don't think so. You go an ahead. I'll just watch you on YouTube tomorrow, or whenever they find your body.
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Re: Halloween Special: Paranormalist stupidity

Postby fable2 » Sun Oct 16, 2016 9:17 pm

The devil has a vested interest in every person who has ever played with the paranormal. No matter how totally insignificant the summoner is, the spirit who shows up always claims to be Satan himself. Never a minor demon nobody has ever heard of, never just a dead guy waiting his turn at the inter-dimensional cellphone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, Manny. How's it going for my favorite impersonator?"

"Oh, fine, Big S. Got another seance to show up at in...two hours. Looking forward to this one. English teachers. I figure I'll pelt them with hundreds of copies of Silas Marner."

"Wow. You're evil."

"Not as much as you, Big S."

"Heh, well, true. But these days, I mean, humanity's so much more evil than I am. Coddled banks! Endless wars! Clinton! Trump! And I really, really appreciate you folks letting me have some solid vacation time in Oslo while you deal with public relations."

"It's all part of the job. Besides, it's great fun going creative on these living idiots. Do you know that on my last job, this group of teens summoned you up to find out what your so-called stats were? I couldn't believe it. Ended up giving them a week's hemorrhoids and covered the lot in sorghum and feathers."

"I never should have taken this gig, you know. Had a choice between running a telemarketing center on a planet around Alpha Centauri and hearing the cries of the damned for a few million years on earth. But I was always a slacker. Had to choose the easier of the two."

"Still, you shouldn't t let those humans get you down. Maybe find yourself a nice redhead."

"In Oslo?"

"So look for Norwegian or Irish tourists. You're the head of hell. You can manage all sorts of things. Just don't--get depressed. I've watched you go there before."

"Why do you care, Manny?"

"Because you're a good boss. You've actually become more of a friend over the years."

"I appreciate that, guy. And I'd be spitting on you folks' dedication if I didn't do my best to find that redhead, and relieve a few decades' tension."

"You do that. Talk to you soon, then. But--not too soon. Enjoy!"
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Re: Halloween Special: Paranormalist stupidity

Postby soap » Fri Oct 28, 2016 12:28 pm

Yes, I wonder about these things too.
And yes I don't talk to strangers, I heard enough stories to have NEVER gotten involved.

Loved your story Fable.
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