Proofreading

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Proofreading

Postby Adul » Sat Jul 26, 2014 11:18 am

My brother and I are working on putting together a short trailer for the game we're making. It's in the planning stages still, but we already have a few lines of dialog (or monolog, rather). I was hoping some of you could proofread the script for grammatical errors and general bad writing. Here goes:

Good evening.

I am Perseus the Dog.

My colleague the Professor and I are on a crucial mission across the Universe.

Recently, circumstances have not been in our favor.

We are trapped.

We must apply all our resources in order to solve this mystery.


Thank you if you decide to take a look.
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Re: Proofreading

Postby Jac » Sat Jul 26, 2014 11:30 am

Good evening, I am Perseus the Dog. Yes, I know dogs don't generally talk, but that's only because they never tried. Anyway, my colleague, The Professor, and I are on a crucial mission across the Universe [should mention what they're doing]. Things were going just peachy until recently when the trouble started. Long story short, we're trapped [by what?]. Using my brains and The Professor's fingers, we....[segue into the game?]
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Re: Proofreading

Postby fleet » Sat Jul 26, 2014 2:37 pm

What Jac said (unless "Perseus the Dog" is a nickname, as opposed to being a canine).
Why? I like big ones, that's why.
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Re: Proofreading

Postby Adul » Sat Jul 26, 2014 3:31 pm

Thank you both for the suggestions, I love the talking dog part. :happy: These helped me a lot and made me realize that some things didn't work with my approach.

We're trying to maintain a pretty high amount of mystery around the story in the trailer, and we want the monolog to be brief and somewhat somber/ceremonial in tone (despite the talking dog that should not be addressed as of yet :biggrin:). So instead of giving away more details, I removed the direct references to their mission and capture. I should mention that Perseus is an academic who likes to talk in a roundabout way.

I did my best to incorporate your suggestions and this is what I came up with:

Good evening, I am Perseus the Dog.

My colleague, the Professor, and I are on an expedition across the Universe.

Regrettably, the circumstances of our journey have not been in our favor.

As it happens, we're stranded.

[cut to gameplay footage and a bunch of cool stuff happening]

With my valor and the Professor's genius, nothing can hold us back.

We will get out of this predicament.


Please let me know if you guys think the above monolog still has issues that should be addressed.
Last edited by Adul on Sun Jul 27, 2014 6:27 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Proofreading

Postby fleet » Sat Jul 26, 2014 4:14 pm

If Perseus is on screen when the dialog is spoken there's no need for him to say he is a dog.
Why? I like big ones, that's why.
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Re: Proofreading

Postby Adul » Sat Jul 26, 2014 6:33 pm

Thanks Fleet, good call.
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Re: Proofreading

Postby fleet » Sat Jul 26, 2014 6:40 pm

I hope the game is a success. :wave:
Why? I like big ones, that's why.
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Re: Proofreading

Postby Adul » Sat Jul 26, 2014 6:58 pm

:hug: I hope so, too. I'll do a shameless self-plug on here once we've got a decent promotion material ready to go with a trailer and screenshots and whatnot.
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Re: Proofreading

Postby fable2 » Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:31 pm

I kind of like the idea of a dog telling you he's a dog. Though it might be something like:

Good evening, I am Perseus the Dog.

No, really.

My colleague, the Professor, and I are on an expedition across the Universe, etc.
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Re: Proofreading

Postby Adul » Thu Jul 31, 2014 6:51 am

I like it, Fable2. :biggrin: I'll air that idea the next time we talk about it.

Thanks!
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